1) I was told I would get a call regarding when my next doctor appointment and biopsy would be and that didn't happen until today (it only happened because I called them repeatedly since Monday).
2) My life has been turned up side down and felt a need to reflect.
3) A healthy mix of procrastination and being dumbfounded.
Late last week I began to get stir crazy. If these are my final days I don't want to be living them out on a couch. But I don't think these are my last days, so I figured I better get off this couch and live. Sunday feeling motivated to live life and pursue my interests I decided that on Monday I'd rejoin Toastmasters (something I love). Then hours later it dawned on me that "Wait I can't sit in a chair for two hours. Plus sitting an extra combined hour to drive there and back ...and I'm not really up for driving anymore." True, I knew all of that before making the plans, but somehow though it didn't register. It has now sunk in that my approach to life can no longer be same and this new chapter is a major adjustment.
Realizing and admitting what I can't do isn't being negative, it's just the reality. However another reality is there are many things I can do and pursue. Also, I can approach some things I used to enjoy differently, such as: read scriptures when I'm missing church; study to further my career/education; socialize and catch up with family and friends via Facebook and something called a telephone.
Additionally I appreciate the time I have at home, for example not many father's get this much time with their child(ren). There might be some babies as sweet as, but none are sweeter than Myrtle. I'm one lucky daddy.
Becoming conscious of how to modify my family and mines life hasn't been instantaneous, but a rather deliberate and laborious process that is still in progress. Having optimism doesn't mean that I haven't cried myself to sleep or that this is mentally and physically easy. It has allowed me to move forward any time I've felt sorry for myself and allows me to reject anyone else's (well intentioned and placed) feeling sorry for me. "Wo is me" is a slippery slope and if I go there it will bring me and my family down.
Last Friday was emotionally rough. The past month has been a perpetual state of limbo and I hadn't heard from a doctor since being diagnosed. Faith and Myrtle went out to the market and before I knew it was in tears feeling very alone and tired of feeling needy but still needing to know I matter. I prayed my heart out that someone would reach out to me. In 3 minutes I got a very nice email from my Aunt Lynn. Some might chalk that up as a coincidence, I knew better though, as it provided the comfort I was seeking.
I know I should have known better than to feel so alone. I have had a tremendous out pouring of love, emails, phone calls, notes and even today I received a hand written letter from my Aunt Ennyd and a card from my Grandma.
|Myrtle reading Grandma's card.|
Of course my long term health is the most important and what about those prayers? Like anything else that one prayers for, I'm doing all that I can do. I am eating healthy and move around as much as I can to the point I worry Faith and my mom (that's when you know you're doing something right, haha).
Today I found out the my next doctor's appointments are on April 27th with a radiation and drug therapy oncologist. The oncologist in Vancouver who said I have either plasmacytoma or mutliple myeloma told me that I would be getting another biopsy to determine that still hasn't happened. However I will be giving another blood test and a 24 hour urine sample prior the appointments on the 27th.
So just 21 more days of hurry up and wait. Fortunately in addition of having Myrtle to entertain me and my order of books from Amazon.com and ones people lent and given ought to last me the year.