“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.” ~ Washington Irving
Last week Grandma Rebalkin asked me how I was coping with my cancer, I replied "It's been about week since I cried so I must be doing better." You might know by now that I cry easily, in my defense I am the baby of my family. But then again I also thought watching your birth was beautiful - it was.
This past Sunday you and momma were at church while I stayed home. I wanted to be there with you, watching you smile at everyone, I especially love how you're mesmerized by the singing and that you "sing" along too. Since it's a joy to share with you things that bring me joy, I would take you to my Sunday school class. Going to church doesn't make us better than anyone, but going has made me a better person and maybe one day you too will feel that.
Tonight after momma went to bed you woke up crying. I went into your room and you stopped once I picked you up. Myrtle, when you cry I know your needs are not being met, or you think your needs are not being met, or you're just not getting what you want. You don't cry a lot and you are very, very happy most of the time.
Myrtle, I too cry when I don't get what I want or what I think I need. Just so you know you can always cry with me. But if I'm not there, you can pray for comfort and know your daddy loves you.
You play so well with older children that I have said to mommy that "It's too bad Myrtle doesn't have older siblings." You would be such a great big sister too, you already smile at and hug other babies, you're full of love. People ask me and momma how many children we want and the truth is there is no number. You're perfect, I'm thrilled to be your daddy and I would also LOVE for you to have sisters and brothers too.
Myrtle sweetie, I'm sick, so your daddy's doctor said for me to get better I would need radiation. Since the radiation will be on my hip it might stop you from having any brothers or sisters. I thought about this while you were at church with momma. Being home alone I felt very alone and I cried, really cried "like a baby."
Even though you fight bed time and diaper changes, after it's done you know that you're still loved. Myrtle it's because you're loved it's done. I trust in my Father in Heaven, like how you trust me. My cancer is tough on the family but when it's done, maybe years or several decades later, we will know why it happened and we'll be better for it.
Trust that your Father in Heaven knows what He is doing and that your daddy here is doing his best with what he knows.
Myrtle you are loved, wanted, prayed for and you can wake me up any time.
|March 19th 2011, Goldstream Park|