Are You There God? It's Me, Ruban.

We've been staying at my brothers home for eight days now, a few more days than we thought we would. I've been asked to stay off my hip completely which equals bed rest.  Day one I watched lots of TV, but by 2:30pm I had enough of Oprah and her Dr.'s. Plus, soon after my niece and nephew came home from school, they are more entertaining anyways.

One out of the three isn't hamming it up.

Through out the week I dabbled watching a little more TV. I tried reading things called books, but my attention span seems to be as long the throbs of dull pain in my hip. Every throb reminds me why I'm lying down on a foam mattress in my brothers living room. 


Right now the house is quiet as the family is at church, Faith is upstairs getting ready for the day and Myrtle's napping beside me. Now as I feel that dull pain throbbing in my hip I can't help but wonder about her future and literally what will tomorrow bring when I get the biopsy results.

Hopefully Myrtle is the only that sleeps through this blog.

To be a Christian without prayer is no more possible than to be alive without breathing.

~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

Prior to THE CALL I have been more or less the praying type. Since THE CALL my prayers have increased and intensified somewhat. I certainly have had a moment or two of "Why me?" That attitude though interfere's with having faith and really living life. 


Prayer is something I have given much thought of lately. Mainly because I have never quite grasped how and why it works, just that it does. Considering the variety of responses to my request to pray for me, it sounds like I am not that only one who doesn't understand.

Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you. ~ Saint Augustine  Roman Christian Theologian and Bishop of Hippo from 396 A.D. to 430 A.D.  I was reading a book review for Promptings or Me? Recognizing the Spirit's Voice, by Kevin Hinckley. And I thought to myself "Looks like an interesting read. I wonder what the author's thoughts are on the how and why prayer works." So I emailed him and he graciously replied: If Aunt Tillie needs a dose of divine intervention and I, in my nightly prayer, forget to mention her because I had too many other things on my ‘prayer list’, does she go without? Would a loving Heavenly Father withhold blessings He intended for Tillie, simply because I missed her in my prayer? Again, what do we hope to accomplish in our conversations with our Creator? The Children of Israel stood with the Red Sea before them and charging Egyptian army behind. Had they simply been content to a 1) narrow down my decision to two choices, 2) choose one, 3) look for burning or stupor, and then 4) follow, they wouldn’t have made it. Their two choices probably wouldn’t have included “ask the Lord to part the Red Sea!” More likely, it would have been: We narrowed our choices down to going North or going South. We decided on North. Can you confirm this? Imagine Israel’s frustration when they couldn’t get an answer either way: no stupor, no confirmation, no answer at all! Doesn’t He care? They’d wonder. Can’t He see we’re in trouble here? The truth, obviously, would be that the Lord had a completely different plan in mind. His plan included options the Children of Israel could not even conceive of. So, in looking at our own prayers, are you more interested in your solutions or His? Do you really want to be limited by your mortal, myopic solutions to your problems or would you be more blessed by learning his panoramic perspective? In short, why do we pray? To learn what it is He wants us to do.  We pray to be filled by the empowerment that comes from divine communication.  We pray to learn His will, not to tell Him what He needs to do for someone or something. This might include “what would you have me do for Aunt Tillie? Heavenly Father, you love Aunt Tillie. She’s your daughter and I know you will bless her according to her needs. How can I help? Is there something I can do for her?” I feel comfortable praying for the tumor to be benign and for a swift recovery that I may provide for my family. Additionally I pray for support that I can handle this well.  Praying is seemingly an intangible thing. There's been plenty of times I have not wanted to pray, or questioned if there was anyone to pray to. But I've been fortunate enough to have recognized answered prayers and this makes the intangible tangible.  For example I know myself better than anyone, so I know that the burden of the implications of the tumor for me are heavy. Prayer answered: that burden has been lifted. My earning power this month was taken down a few notches. Prayer answered: my brother's business partner had a 50/50 draw at a bar he spins vinyl at to help out with our travel expenses. Someone at the Workers Compensations Board noticed that I was underpaid and sent me the difference.  I can't play with Myrtle as I used to or help Faith around the house. Prayer answered: my dad comes by and cleans our house scrubs the shower and picks up groceries. Here at my brother Jason's, he and Colleen and their kids play all day long with Myrtle. Of course there's a hip tumor the size of a kiwi weakening the bone. Prayer answered: I have one the best doctors in the whole world working with a team on my recovery plan. I've had a few sad moments, but somehow felt comforted. Prayer might not make me invincible, but it sure has calmed my troubles, kept me focused on the positive and open to miracles.

A Couch Potato's Massive Missive: The Biopsy

Meeting My Oncologist and his Posse

Monday's first appointment was at the BC Cancer Agency's Research Centre in Vancouver. Arriving there was as if I was living someone else's life. I pray several times a day for the tumor to be benign. I even say "benign" over and over again when I doubt or feel pain. So being at a cancer clinic felt just wrong.

My brother Jason came with us to help and what a great help he was. Myrtle slept most of the drive there and all through the first appointment, Jason stayed with her in the car till she awoke and stayed with her for another nap later on - Thanks J! 

The first appointment was mainly paper work ranging from my personal and family's health history to pages of questions about my physical and emotional well being since THE CALL.

Was able to be more focused answering questions in a hospital gown.

After the paperwork we met with a physical therapist who assessed my hips mobility and strength (both very low). After her, my oncologists assistant (who is a doctor) did an assessment similar to the physical therapists. 

Even Patch Adams would be confused.

Later they joined my oncologist who was being shadowed by a resident doctor and a student doctor. All five were friendly, professional and seemed to actually care. I really felt like I was in good and talented hands. What a relief.

My attending oncologist is apparently world renowned for limb salvage surgeries. He informed me that due to the tumor too much of my hip bone has been weakened to reconstruct. He requested that I get more hip X-Rays so he and his team have a better understanding of how to proceed regarding my surgery.

At my follow up appointment on March 28th they will know what the game plan of my recovery will entail; whether the tumor is malignant or benign will of course determine much. Either way it sounds like I should be getting a new hip.

The Biopsy

My second appointment was the biopsy at VGH. I brought my camera and the doctor there said "How odd that you would want a picture" and seemed hesitant about it. I said that this was not a normal Monday for me and figured I might as well document this odd part of my life. Before I knew it the nurse and doctor were discussing the best angle to take a picture. 

Moments before being prepped before the biopsy.

It felt surreal lying there, waiting for another CT Scan. Cloths were draped over me only leaving my head and my left hip uncovered. My hip was cleaned with a pink solution and a cotton swap. 


Laying there I couldn't see anything, the doctor was good at describing what was being done. He explained that he was about to freeze the area, like a dentist does. After seeing the first needle (it was huge) I decided to not look at the rest as each one would be bigger to reach the bone.


After I was frozen the CT Scan was used to locate the tumor and map where the biopsy was to take place. The doctor then got out a scalpel and informed me that I would have an inch scar and that it would also be used later like "X" on a map for my surgery. The incision this day was for the biopsy needle.  


I didn't see biopsy being performed, and though I felt no pain I sure felt the pressure of it. Five core samples were taken from the tumor. Each time felt like the thump of a bass speaker was pounding in my hip.


I asked to see the tumor samples and they were in a small bottle immersed in a clear solution. Each one was about an inch in length and thinner the dry spaghetti. They were white with red dots through out it. 


After the biopsy my third and final appointment was back to the BC Cancer Agency for more hip X-Rays.  

Couch Potato

Due to my hip bone being so weak my oncologist said to keep off it altogether. Considering how uncomfortable/painful it was for me to travel here from Victoria the best conclusion was to stay at Jason and Colleen's till the next appointment. 

Walking and sitting hurt, it's not super painful, more super uncomfortable, but before too long it becomes painful. Moving little and lying down doing nothing are the doctors orders, which is good because it's all I can do. Mentally it's tough being so unproductive and unable to help or just do what I want.


It occurred to me today that I need to step back from a few things: being a Cub Scout leader, teaching Sunday school, gardening, going grocery shopping, taking Myrtle to her swimming lessons, etc.  


Myrtle on my lap doesn't really work well. I can't carry her, change her or do much really other than talk and interact with her until she crawls away. I'm so happy she has her Uncle Jason, Aunt Colleen cousins and their dog and cat to share her curiosities beyond the couch with.

Uncle Jason and Myrtle reading.

It's hard for me to accept my current limitations, but it's more emotionally wearing explaining this to others and even more difficult asking for help. But, if I were to get a fracture I'd be more of a burden and in much more pain.


Between now and March 28th I'll just hurry up and wait, catch up on some reading, thinking and emails. 


Even though the biopsy has been done, I still pray for it to be benign and that I will have a swift recovery and if you actually read this far why not join me?  


All I want is to have a happy and healthy family to provide for and enjoy friendships along the way.

What's It Like?

It's safe to say that before Myrtle was born I knew babies existed. Now all I see is babies, babies, babies. I stare a pregnant bellies sometimes too. I'm just amazed that babies are everywhere and more are coming.

Talking to a pregnant friend on Sunday I couldn't help but ask questions like "How does it feel when baby moves?" and her husband "Have you felt baby move?" Then like everyone else I gave sneaky unsolicited advice "Everyones going to give advice, it's best to smile and nod."

I'm not  pregnant, but I do I have a free loading tumor on my hip that requires me to use crutches to elevate the pressure and avoid a fracture. Like the tummy of a pregnant women these crutches are a gateway of random well-meaning comments, questions and advice. 

Myrtle trying to get an endorsement deal with Hugo® crutches. "Anywhere you want to go!"

People who maybe don't know what to say have said:

• Life is strange, eh.
• Springs around the corner.
• I read your blog (no eye contact).

People that know me enough to ask, but clearly don't know me well ask: 

• How bad was the other guy?
• Basketball injury?
• Soccer injury?

People who know me well enough to know better that I wouldn't be playing sports ask:

• What does it feel like?
• How is Faith really doing?
• When will you know? (Referring to it being benign or malignant.)
• Is there anything I can do for you?

Where the tumor is it feel like a pinch or a tired muscle from exercising. My left leg feels like growing pains, an overall dull ache that varies in intensity. Sometimes my outer thigh falls asleep and there's the pins and needles sensation.

Faith is the best person to ask how she is really doing. Blogging about how she's coping might be a little too fresh and personal. It's her story to share, not mine to blog. That said she is doing excellent all things considered. Myrtle has a fantastic mother and Faith has now taken to babying me too. Faith is working around the clock going the extra mile. Regularly I'm told to stop cleaning, doing the laundry and dishes, making sure I don't over use my leg to avoid a fracture. 

I don't know when I'll know everything. Not knowing keeps me up late and wakes me up early. 

Is there anything that you can do? Pray, really pray with faith for my tumor to be benign and for a swift recovery. And please share what you do to relax, recommend a good comedy to watch, send a funny joke.

Karma is a Tip Jar

When I was in the sixth grade the local Chevron gas station had a grand re-opening to celebrate their new convenience store addition. There was clowns, free hot dogs and a contest to win a years supply of slurpees.  I was barely listening when my name was called. I had won. It was a card for 52 slurpees, not quite a years worth. I became real popular pretty quick and within a week or so the card was used up and my popularity went back to normal.


Someone there was bound to win. Most of life is a numbers game, there's a certain amount of people who will be: diabetic; born rich; live in poverty; married; divorced; never marry; live to be 100 yrs old;  or win a year supply of slurpees in grade 6 and get a tumor at age 33.


There's not usually a particular rhyme or reason to a lot in life. It just happens.  Karma is a tip jar, not something preached in a children's hospital. 

“Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has been robbed.

“[The fact is] most putts don’t drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. …

“Life is like an old-time rail journey—delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed.

“The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride"

— Jenkin Lloyd Jones

Truth is I don't know if this tumor business is harder on me or my family.  


Recently, I was talking to a friend who had a financial blow of sorts. After listening to him I wasn't too sure who had it worse between the two of us. Meaning life happens differently to all, because we are all different. On crutches people open the door for me, give me concerned looks and say "atta boy" comments. On the other hand my friend with the financial issues? No stranger would care and no friend has the money to bail him out. We all have our crosses to bear.

I prefer hanging out at home with Myrtle then at the hospital.  Myrtle somehow knows that it is not where she is, but who she is with that matters. She was just as happy to see me come out of the change room in a muumuu as she is seeing me at home. 

One day Myrtle might care what I'm wearing.

My little tumor (kiwi's are small? ...right?) might be benign (as I pray that it is). Then again I might be down a limb by years end, or the year's end might be my end. When I pray and think of my life though, I think of seeing Myrtle getting married and other milestones of life that are years down the road. I pray for everything and expect nothing.

Well, I do expect there might be a few more bumps to come. My prayer and hope is for when life knocks me down I get back up and "thank the Lord for letting [me] have the ride."

I'm a Radioactive Ghost. Super power(s) TBD.

It just doesn't feel real, it's as if I'm going to someone else's appointments. But yet I know all to well it's me whom those appointments are for. 

Over the past week a line from a Springsteen song rolls around in my head. 

Now all them things that seemed so important

Well mister they vanished right into the air

Before THE CALL I thought I truly couldn't care any less about reality television and celebrity gossip. However, as it turns I could and do care infinity less. So with things that do matter, like conversations (aka difference of opinions) with Faith about this and that were so important are now incredibly trivial. Really having / being a happy and healthy family trumps all. 

This morning my oncologist's office called for me to get more blood work today, before my injection for the bone scan. To get there in time Myrtle was woken up (happy) from her nap and off to the clinic we went.

With time to spare we arrived at the Royal Jubilee Hospital for the bone scan injection. I was informed that after my injection I could not cuddle, hold or kiss Myrtle for 24 hrs due to being radioactive.  First realizing I couldn't carry her around due to the crutches was deflating enough and then learning I can't hold her was and is beyond disappointing.  I'm her daddy, it felt like my life's biggest role was stolen. Even though it's "just" 24 hours, it's 24 hours too long to be on the sidelines.

Our little family was about 70+ years younger then the other patients in the waiting room. Myrtle easily provided the entertainment engaging the geriatrics with her smiles and walking with my crutches.

Myrtle entertaining the troops.

While Myrtle enthralled crowd I got a radioactive shot by a nice guy named Chris. Below is a video of that and if you turn up your speakers loud he does a great job explaining things.

After the injection we went for a drive to Cordova Bay for lunch at Café Yucatan. It was nice to have a change of scenery and see the friendly faces of Murray, Dave and Justin there. Our friend Shantel happened to pop in during her lunch break.

Café Yucatan's "Norm"

We came back the RJH for my bone scan. We arrived early and they took me in early too. The staff, not sure their titles, were excellent and gracious enough to take several photos for me.

Michael Jackson had one of these right? 

They taped up my feet to keep them still.

Tonight we had dinner at my folks. It was nice to not have to worry about a meal and since I can't play with Myrtle Grandpa and Grandma filled in. I felt like a ghost not getting in the mix and just watching. 

Tomorrow Myrtle is being smothered with hugs and kisses. 

World Spins Madly On

UPDATE: My biopsy in Vancouver is Monday, March 21st. 


The very last thing I want to be asked or think about is my tumor. However, the only thing I seem to think of or want to talk about is my tumor.  Saying "my tumor" is odd. Why do I own a tumor? I don't need or want it.  Maybe referring to it as "it" and "the tumor" is more apropos.


It's been a week now and I feel like it has taken over my life in large and subtle ways.  Hard to make plans when I don't what's going on, where it's going on or for how long.


I'm not sure if it's hereditary, but my dad at times can have the symptoms of a hypochondriac. Now those hypochondriac tendencies seem to creep up on me here and there now with my left leg.


As I write Myrtle is under my legs, crawling around and trying to reach and grab anything, just going after all she wants. I admire her, that focus and determination to just go for it and be in the moment. She has fallen down, banged her head, slipped in the tub, suffered scrapes and bruises but she soldiers on with a smile. I love that girl.


Why do bad things happen? I don't quite know why this has happened.


Like most people at one time years ago, I was heartbroken.  I thought it was the worst day of my life, well, it was. After Myrtle was born I realized the worst day of my life was actually the best day as it lead me down a path to Myrtle.


Perhaps there's something for me to learn from "it", something for my family and friends.


While writing this I received an email from a friend informing me that our friend Jean-Marie Belliveau passed away due to injuries sustained from a car accident yesterday. Jean was a friendly, happy husband, father and a cancer survivor.  My thoughts and prayers are with his family.


I pray for the best, that the tumor is benign and that my treatment will be swift and effective that I may live a long life and reach my potential as a father and share with Myrtle how she inspired me, her daddy.

only looks posed, Myrtle likes hanging out with me ...really

Addendum: I just came back from Tim Horton's having a hot chocolate with my friend Mark. There were other meeting of the minds there: a group of retirees in motorcycle gear (I think they might've been a part the notorious Grey Panther Gang, infamous for pirating Matlock series on VHS); and 3 hopefuls for Jersey Shore: WestShore. Anyways, Mark and I discussed life much like I'm sure Socrates had with Plato. Our conclusion was humour and positivity is the only way to live.

Down the Rabbit Hole

Yesterday I was supposed to know when my biopsy date was to happen. Today has passed and I still don't know.  There's nothing quite like suspense, but I prefer it in an M. Knight Shyamalan flick.

I've thought a lot of what Neil Young has sung (or as some people suggest he just talks) and maybe "one of these days I'm going to sit down and write a long letter to all the good friends I've known." But for now I'll blog.

When I got my MRI last Tuesday they had run out of the hospital gown bottoms and robes. So it was just the top, an unfortunate site for all. Luckily today at VicGen it was the standard one size fits all muumuu inspired gown with straps. I think an actual muumuu would be easier for all involved, from the patient to the launderer. But it would put the model below out of work.

A polite, stern and informative sign in the change room.

So I put on the gown like I owned it, went to get my CT Scan in the next room and laid down on a gurney while a nurse put the IV catheter in my arm. 

The needle and the damage done.

I don't care much for hospital muumuu gowns, needles, IV's or laying on gurney's. However, I am grateful to get whatever treatment that is needed.

The view.

Plus, I figure I might as well have fun while there and chat it up with the staff and patients. In doing that today I learnt about fainting patients, cameras and the latest in hearing aids (btw, Costco has the best prices).

Leanne, my CT Scan technician/nurse, gave me an informative lesson on the Toshiba CT Scanner, it's a 2010 model that costs $2.6 million.  I really liked Leanne, she looked a lot like a young Mrs. Seinfeld (Jerry's TV mom) and that made everything she said that much more interesting and it was comforting to have a "familiar" face there with me.

One goes in feet first, like most things in life.

I don't know when I will find out the results of today, until then I might watch Signs or Unbreakable to relax.

"I'm glad that at least you don't have an unhip tumor -- that would be hard on your reputation." - Tanya, my cousin.

Laughter
It feels good that at least one person picked up on the pun in my blogs title.  Even better that it was family.


I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.  ~Woody Allen


Attempting humour has been something most of my family does. It's great to give a heavy situation some levity or give a dull day some chuckles.


Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.  ~Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts,"Saturday Night Live


All I think about is that the tumor the is the size of a kiwi.


Yesterday my nephew Kirtland (12 yrs old) was sitting beside me at church. Other then the hugs he gave me, nothing was said yet between us about my tumor. "So Kirtland the doctor said the tumor is size of a kiwi or a small orange. I have swallowed a few orange seeds...." Kirtland smiles and says "And you can't help but eat kiwi seeds..." We're both smiling now and I continue "Yeah, I'm thinking an actual kiwi must be growing there and it's probably just ripe by now." We had a good laugh.


My family had a pleasant lunch at my parents. After lunch they gave us a bag of kiwis, saying they bought too much.


This morning Faith made me a kiwi smoothie, seeds and all.


Crutches
Apparently my hip bone is a little weak and when I got THE CALL my doctor said I needed to use crutches while I am out and about to not fracture anything.  That means I can't carry Myrtle around and wow that was a blow. But I sure get a laugh at Myrtle as she watches me using the crutches. She looks at me as if to say "Daddy, what on earth are you doing?!!"


I do walk sans crutches around the house though. 


Good thoughts, Prayers, Fasting
What does that even mean? Does God pay more attention to me because of prayers? Do prayers work? All I can say is yes, some how my burden was lifted. 


I had a fantastic day yesterday and today I feel great. I felt, really felt support and love from my "brothers and sisters" at church, somehow I felt more like a son while having lunch at my parents. Afterwards we shared the evening and a tasty meal at Mori and Marnie's and felt at home. I was able to enjoy my self with family and friends without being preoccupied with "there's a tumor the size of kiwi on my hip". I felt comforted, relaxed, loved and at peace. 


Yes prayers worked and are working. I don't know why and how come, but they did and do.  I also had the best sleep since THE CALL, woke up feeling refreshed physically and mentally. Even found it funny starting the day with a kiwi smoothie.

Myrtle holding a kiwi while napping.

CT & Bone Scans Booked and Some Thoughts

On Tuesday I will have a CT Scan and Thursday I will be having a bone scan. Shortly after that I will have the biopsy.


The past 48 hours has been a roller coaster of tears and laughter. Lots of hugs and kind words shared.


Five years ago my life long friend Russel was diagnosed with cancer while his wife Jenn was expecting their first child.  I remember imagining what they might be thinking and feeling.  Never did I think that I would call Russ because I was in a similar situation.  I'm glad Russel answered his phone.  He shared a lot, had a good sense of humour and I was able to ask of his experience was. We had talked about it before, but maybe this was the first time I really listened. Thank you Russel.


So what am I thinking?


Everything!


Some things are not worth writing and you can guess easily.


However, I do feel very optimistic. Wednesday night I cried quite a bit. Thursday quite a bit less. Today no tears have dropped.


I don't know really how or why prayers work, but I have felt prayed for, felt comforted.


Moments after the THE CALL on Wednesday I felt extreme sorrow for every person I had ever crossed, anything I've done or said that wasn't right. Not quite a death bed repentance moment, but you can sure bet I said a prayer and made a few long deserving phone calls.


Actually, I have had a lot of good conversations lately (phone, email, text, bbm, Fb, face to face). I can almost understand why people have faked having cancer, knowing family and friends care is a good feeling.  My brother posted this blogs link on his Fb with this comment "my brothers quest for more attention...follow his journey and give him the attention he craves!"  The reason the conversations have been good is mainly because I love and care for those that have reached out.  Having family that are friends and friends that are like family is encouraging and fuels my optimism.


I hope the the tumor is benign and that the purpose of this is blog is short lived.

Excerpts of an email to family - sent March 3rd 2011

I feel super fortunate to have family and friends that are interested in how I am doing.  When I first found out of my hip tumor I didn't want to broadcast it on Facebook.  However, I soon realized that the perhaps the best way to answer questions on how my health is via blogging.


Below is a from an email I sent off to family and friends yesterday:




Hello All,

Thank you for all your well wishes and prayers. My #1 concern is that I'm healthy so I am able to have fantastic relationship with Myrtle.

I'm okay with you and as much of the world that wishes to pray for me and my little family.  

The scoop thus far is if I recall it all correctly:

March 1st -  I had an MRI for my groin injury.

March 2nd -  Phone calls by my family doctor and the doctor who ordered the MRI. 

March 3rd -  9am had an appointment with Dr. and he went over the news with me:

- tumor on left hip inside, not on joint, size of a small orange or kiwi (5cm x 7cm x 8cm)

- in the next few days I would be getting CAT Scan(s) of my whole body and blood work

- in the next 10 days I will be getting a biopsy on the tumor in Vancouver

- The biopsy will determine exactly what the tumor is. 

- My Doctor about two weeks ago diagnosed a patient with osteosarcoma (bone cancer) and clinically suspects that is what I have, a biopsy would give the final say.

- If the tumor is not benign then I would be getting chemo therapy to to reduce the size of the tumor before it is removed (surgery will be in Vancouver)

- All the above should take place between now and the next 6 - 8 months.

- This afternoon I had my blood work done

I'm okay with you and as much of the world that wishes to pray for me and my little family.  

Lots of love, 

Rube

The tumor is to the left of the black circle.

The tumor. It's kind of shaped like a birds head and beak.

My doctor said a good website to read about what's going on is here.